Postdoc as Domestic Goddess (or God)

Skill 1: Combines ingredients with precision, follows instructions to the letter, but adds the occasional touch of improvisational flair with interesting outcomes. Occasionally works with the reagents at hand instead of what may be ideal, with perfectly acceptable results. Not afraid to use alcohol as necessary.

Skill 2: At the end of a process, puts everything away in its allotted space, wipes down all work surfaces, neatly collects trash. Surveys area, spots missed spots with the eagle eye trained by years of experience. Has no patience with others' sloppy work areas, is disgusted by ill-maintained and unclean surfaces. Is zealous about the weekly wipedown. Again alcohol accompanies as needed.

Skill 3: Monitors the health, diet and breeding habits of several small dependent creatures. Always has a mental map of which little creature is where.

Skill 4: Plans menus and processes days ahead. Has activities allotted to each day, to be carried out according to a strict schedule. Adheres to said schedule with admirable focus.

Skill 5: Does the shopping for supplies as needed. Prefers to do so on a regular schedule (schedule is important), but is willing to pop down to the shop when running short. Combines trips to shop with transport of laundry.

An alternative career maps itself out...

Blog List

Oh I am so stoked by this new feature on blogger (Draft blogger for now), it imports blogs from my google reader and posts them in my blog list! That is so good because I could not figure out blogroll and have been feeling bad about being a lazy one who hasn't manually entered everyone yet.
Love it. Because you are all awesome bloggers, and I am so glad to have found you.

Paranoia and the Destruction of the Soul

I wanted to write a happy post today since I'm in a really good life-mood (research mood is low-level fatalistic tending towards zen acceptance), but I've been thinking about paranoia a lot lately. A good friend and colleague is having a really hard time in lab because they feel like slices of their project are being given away without their consent. And they are right, the project is hard to partition in the first place, and there are three bright, invested individuals working on it at the same time. However my friend has made particular innovations, and is uniquely qualified to do some things, that they had suggested in the first place. This slicing and dicing has been going on for nearly two years now.

Enter full blown, pull out all the stops paranoia. Behaviour-altering, mind-bending paranoia. I won't share reagents, I'll never discuss a good idea in lab again paranoia. It's getting to the point where they are saying and doing things I don't think are characteristic or believable, and they are morphing into human jelly. And I just want to stand up and scream at them to stop it. I have tried to bring up the subject more gently and constructively than that, but an unavoidable side-effect of paranoia is that one perceives judgment and betrayal in what everyone says. So what do I do?

I think paranoia is the single most destructive emotion one can give in to. I know this regarding emotion from deep personal experiences; and regarding work from having been scooped three times in grad school. I have worked with many brilliant and paranoid people, and the one thing that always leaps out at me is the amount of energy they waste in spinning their paranoid wheels. It is such a waste of all that brilliance, all those (rapidly diminishing) neurons firing salvos of negative emotion. It drains you, makes you bitter, changes you in fundamental ways, alters your equation with everyone you work with, and is utterly pointless in the end.

It is both insulting and patronizing to tell someone they are being paranoid when they feel, legitimately or otherwise, that they are being deprived of what is rightfully theirs. However protecting one's territory can go too far, and when that line is crossed, it really messes things up. Academic research as it is today relies on the goodwill and respect of one's peers, and paranoia and its close companion suspicion, are the surest way to erode all goodwill and respect that anyone has for you. And in the end, it destroys your own self-respect, and no paper is worth that.

The Endgame

I've been thinking about "the endgame" a lot these days.
(Style note: I swear not to begin anymore posts with "I've been thinking about..." anymore, it might be time for "It was a dark and stormy night...")

What is my endgame? With this postdoc and all that I am doing now, involving low-level politicking, writing etc. Let's say its an academic position in India, doing cutting edge research in infectious diseases. What then am I doing to go there? How specifically do I go about getting there, as opposed to just trying to do good research and sending up prayers to the gods of funding and publishing?

This is a novel way of thinking for me, and one that I think should have started a long time ago. I drifted into science because I was bright and academically-inclined. The drift wasn't aimless, it was influenced by the fact that I love talking to intelligent people about intelligent things, my mother is a scientist, and I thought science and scientists were so cool. I came to the US because it was kind of the done thing at my (competitive) college: my friends all wrote the GRE and sent out applications. Most of us did well, and nearly all of us went to good schools. I floated into biology because I liked both biology and chemistry, and biology incorporated elements of chemistry. I went where I did for grad school because they offered me a place, and it seemed really cool.

I don't mean to say that I just faffed through life and things happened to me. I think it was more that I hadn't found all the the dislikes and loves that I have now. I liked most things, I was interested in studying most things, and I looked on travelling as an adventure. I had no conception of the mind-bending cultural changes I was about to face, and I did not think for one second about how hard it would be to consider living and working in India after nearly ten years as an American scientist. I am pretty fortunate that things have turned out well, and I am very fortunate to have discovered both ambition and immunology. Fulfilling that ambition would be much easier if I had actually started thinking about my life and career choices more actively a long time ago. I didn't, though, and whether that was a function of culture, personality, upbringing, I can't say with certainty. But it is what it is, and I'm going to find out, soon enough.

Now I know better, its all about the endgame. Which includes immunology, India, a family, my large and extended family, writing, travelling and a faculty position.

Too ambitious?

One Week at a Time

So my last post was about how charged up I am about an academic career.
With that in mind, let me describe my week:

Saturday: Transfected cells, let's say A cells, to use for experiments. Fed them, put them away, felt very good about the adventurousness of the experiment being undertaken.

Sunday: Realized while 40 miles away that I had completely forgotten to get another set of cells, call them B cells, ready for the experiment. B cells are needed for the final step of the experiment. Crap. Bummer. Well will just have to get them ready on Monday.

Monday: Got B cells, and third and final type of cells, called C, ready. A cells, of course are nice and confluent and ready to use, only I am not going to use them. F*cking A. Efficiently set up more of A cells to start the whole things again, but nested so I don't waste any time.

Tuesday: Set it all up, A cells, B cells and C cells. They are happy in the incubator, ready for me to read them tomorrow. Whew, that didn't work out too badly did it?
Transfected second batch of A cells.

Wednesday: Started off readings, all negative. Completely, and it doesn't even look like A cells make the protein I transfected into them (which is the whole entire point of transfection!). Double sh*t. No f*ck it, triple sh*t. Then the blinding realization dawns that I threw away my leftover B cells after using them yesterday, and I don't have any more going. There are no words, only anti-endorphins.

Thursday: Started round 2, with some alternative B cells. Also, smartly decided to check whether transfecting served any purpose this time, since I screwed up the previous time and let A cells go much longer than they should have. Turns out that transfecting A cells doesn't work when I do it (though it is routine procedure in my lab). Nothing, nothing at all. There's no point in doing the next step, with alternative or otherwise B cells. Now what? Blog, I suppose. Maybe some beer.

Friday: Strategize? Re-evaluate? Retire?

I am a shining example, I tell you.

I Like Being a Scientist?

Something interesting happened to me recently. I've had a busy few months: I went to India, for a wedding (mine), came back to the US and to work. Pounded out a bunch of experiments before I left and few since I returned. Struggled badly with jetlag (it only gets worse!), cultural disaffection, being tired and ill, loads of pressure from the boss and truly pernicious lethargy.

And now I want to work. I want to do experiments, read immunology, gossip about science. I even looked up job openings in India, because I think I want to start my own lab there. I want to keep being a scientist.

It's difficult, rarely rewarding, massively underpaid and a niche profession if I ever heard of one. My job prospects in my home country are limited, to say the least, aside from the fact that I have never actually worked in India. I have done all my research in the States and am, for all practical purposes, an American scientist. I have a new husband and our busy life together. I need some sexy papers, and some powerful, original ideas. I need to push and slog and labour till I can't stand it anymore and my family can't stand it anymore.

Why would I do this? I guess its because I really like being a scientist.
Who knew.

Managing Time

Long blog absences generally mean that someone isn't doing a very good job of managing their time. Sighs. It's been a busy-postdoc phase, which is a good thing because it means that I actually have work to do on multiple projects. It also means, however, that I have really had to re-evaluate how I manage my time.

As an experimental scientist one's single greatest asset is the ability to manage time. I've always been a fan of schedules, I used make little timetables for my day even as a little kid. I don't make schedules because I like to, I do it because I am chronically lazy and unless I set myself concrete targets to meet (preferably in writing), I will waffle and procrastinate. As a young grad student I was high on "doing science", and thrilled with the maverick aspects of research and liked to "go with the flow", "see where my data lead me" etc etc. It didn't work out so well as you can imagine.

So, I started making monthly schedules with the invaluable help of iCal. First big roadblock: my work computer and home computer did not have the same calendar entries or alerts. I tried synchronizing them, then decided that the best possible way was to have a paper copy. And that system has served me extraordinarily well ever since. I print out a monthly calendar with standing meetings on it, and then add all my experiments and other things on it. In pencil, because I do chop and change my plan a lot. I post that schedule on the corkboard above my desk and it stares balefully at me all day.

That worked really well in grad school, where I usually had to plan my experiments up to three or four weeks in advance, coordinate cell sorting schedules, GM-CSF addition, FACS time (the bane of all immunologists) etc. Now I find that I need to plan three months ahead because of the nature of the experiments. Three months! It's crazy and more anal than I'd like, but the whole house of cards is distinctly precarious when I don't plan that far ahead.

It really irks me to have to map out so much so far ahead. I detest feeling circumscribed by my schedule. Seriously, I am now one of those people who has to check their calendar all the time. There aren't FACS time calendars printed for the time I need to use them. The plain truth is, however, that my productivity has shot up since I started planning so far ahead. And I can say now, with relative confidence, that we can go out of town at X time since I won't have a pressing cell commitment then. Along with the calendar, I make a list of objectives for the next two months. What are the questions that need to be addressed now, how can I prioritize them, and what should I do when to optimize the use of my time. Together with the calendar, I felt really on top of things, on top of my game and in charge of my science.

Then I find myself mentoring two rotation students (first year grad students checking out the lab) and all my carefully made plans crumble. I am here all the time, rushing rushing rushing, trying to perform mad feats of time-juggling and trying to keep four projects and three people on track. And I have to say, it's not going to happen. This has exposed the crucial flaw in my scheduling system: inflexibility. If you're just one person, you can organize your time perfectly, plan all you need to do and execute with all the precision your heart can desire. You can't do that when you're mentoring other people. So I suppose the choice is whether you mentor people or not, and I feel very strongly that one should mentor, having been the recipient of some kickass mentoring myself. I am forced to conclude therefore that while planning and time management and the key to being productive in lab, I must schedule some wiggle room.